Shivan mayonnaise theory

Originally posted by Damage on Hard Light Productions. See original source here.

For countless eons, races throughout the universe have been divided by one eternal debate: Mayonnaise or Miracle Whip? Every race throughout creation has managed to divulge the secrets of creating mayonnaise and its opponent, whipped salad dressing. However, once they have both been created by a species, that species opts to keep one or the other.

The race we call the Ancients chose Miracle Whip. They saw it as a clearly superior condiment, as it not only incorporated the same ingredients as Mayonnaise, but also others which altered the flavor. For centuries upon centuries, as they explored and expanded, they encountered other races who favored mayonnaise. These races they conquered or exterminated as the fates whimmed, and they remained unopposed for millenia.

Then one day, they encountered a race of Mayonnaise lovers who could stand against them. The Shivans not only enjoyed Mayonnaise, but thought of it as the only true condiment. They confronted the Ancients and began their systematic elimination--removing an enslaving anti-mayonnaise force from the universe. Thousands of years passed while the Shivans educated other races on the merits of Mayonnaise over Miracle Whip. Then they noticed the Vasudans and Terrans.

The Vasudans and Terrans met each other in space, contacted each others' homeworlds, and opened a dialogue. But where the Vasudans were a peaceful race composed of one mind regarding Miracle Whip, the Terrans were a confused jumble of groups, no two of which could agree on whether Mayonnaise or Miracle Whip was superior. War was inevitable.

Things progressed slowly and the war lasted fourteen years before the Shivans arrived on the scene. After making a careful examination of the problems, the Shivans proceeded to immediately eliminate the Vasudan Miracle Whip fans at the source--their homeworld and chief producer of local whipped salad dressing was destroyed.

Then the Shivans stopped and considered. Did the Terrans really merit destruction? Did they deserve eradication? Never in the history of the universe had a race failed to choose between Mayonnaise and Miracle Whip. This was unprecedented.

Ultimately the Shivans decided to eradicate the Terrans--better to eliminate the possibility that Miracle Whip would survive, in their view. But the Terrans and Vasudans (who had seen the light of allowing both condiments to exist in harmony!) proved to be too powerful a force to immediately overcome.

Thirty-two years later, Admiral Bosch determined that the Shivan's love for mayonnaise was what prompted their actions--not their hatred of Miracle Whip. He set about to contact the Shivans and let them know that not only could Mayonnaise and Miracle Whip coexist, but that there were other possibilities in the culinary field. Did the Shivans have any previous knowledge of Mayonesa? Did they realize that Mayonnaise itself had such variations that each version tasted slightly different than another? What about the addition of spices and seasonings for regional variants? What about Ranch dressing? Thousand Island dressing? Aioli? Tartar Sauce?

These questions and more raised doubts in the Shivans' own minds. Rather than face such questions and the inevitable chaos that would result, they destroyed Capella and walled off the GTVA from their infectious thoughts which could only destroy the Shivans' way of life.